Life's Fuzziness

Life’s Fuzziness

Yesterday, I had my simulation for the radiation I will start next week to stop cancer that is eating away at my right 7^th rib.  My oncologists is concerned that someone could give me a tight hug, or accidentally hit my rib cage breaking the weakened rib, and possibly puncturing my lung.  I walked back to work feeling a cold déjà vu kind of fear from the 33-radiation treatments I’d had 8 years ago. 

As I rounded a corner, Tom Burke, MD (EVP MDAnderson Cancer Network), was sitting working on emails.  He asked about my cancer, and then we talked about the fuzziness with this part of cancer journeys.  It’s the fuzziness in life that can zap our confidence and passion if we let it.  We high-fived, and I walked away from Tom and the cold déjà vu fear, realizing life’s fuzziness has always been the most exciting part of this journey we call life.  Today enjoy life’s fuzziness.  

Fear

I faced my first kidney stone at 33 and the pain of the first stone, left a fear that for the next five stones had me rushing to the emergency room begging for morphine to escape the pain and fear.  My Army tour in Europe I served with a Military Police Company at a time of heavy drug use.  One early morning duty I faced a soldier tripping out on LSD, and threatening others with his combat knife.  As I worked to talk him down, he attacked and as fear washed over me, I reacted as I had been trained, waiting for his lunge, grabbed his wrist and disarmed him.  That day my fear brought out the best of who I was.

This past week my work life has been a challenge accompanied by a mix of emotions laced with fear making sleep impossible.  There have been days I’ve wanted to escape the fear, and other days it has brought out the best in me.  This morning as I rode across the bayou bridge, the full moon greeted me and reminded me that today is a new day to step up and be the best of who I am. 

Core Value Lessons

Last week, I once again learned a hard lesson about trust and integrity.  Trust is built on a foundation of integrity, and integrity is one of MD Anderson’s core values. Our employee Handbook entitled Do the Right Thing, defines integrity as “We work together to merit the trust of our colleagues and those we serve”.  One of my first experiences with death in the Army was all about trust.  I remember kneeling on the ground, tears streaming down my face, as the medevac flew away, so angry because it had been such a senseless death.  I gathered the squad around me, and all I could think about were the 12 scout laws that I’d memorized years before, that start with trustworthy and loyal.  But just like that day as the hum of the medevac disappeared, last week I knew I had to let go of the sting of broken trust and move on, for life goes on.  Be open to core value lessons.

Connecting to Your Happiness

Some mornings I take a shortcut by cutting through Texas Children’s Hospital west tower entrance.  There are always a few families waiting outside for a ride after a long night, mixed with the arrival of early staff hurrying to work.  Most days she’s standing just off the main doors guiding people in and out of the lobby, more with her smile than her words.  As I stop at the walkway to let people pass, she looks up with her smile and waves, and I wave back.  MaryBeth is usually asleep when I get up, so my first shared moments are with Sun Dance our cat.  My next shared morning moments are a smile and wave from a security guard at Texas Children’s that starts the internal and external smile I nurture all day.  How do you reconnect to your happiness as you start your day?

Lean into Your Brokenness

MaryBeth and I are members of the Patient Family Advisory Council and last night we attended its monthly meeting.  MD Anderson believes that patients and families should be full partners in their care, so having an advisory team ensures a safer, more efficient and satisfying care experience for all.  The meeting always begins with a patient story and last night Laurie talked about her discharge day, and how she just wanted to get home and wash her hair.  One of her nurses suggested she go to the free beauty salon where they offer shampoos, haircuts, shaves, and provide wigs, scarves, and hats.  She came back from the Beauty Salon feeling so much better; she had leaned into her brokenness and taken a big first step to not letting cancer rule her life. 

I remember after my surgery, I asked my surgeon when I would walk again, he told me “get up and walk as much as you can”.  When I left the hospital, I still wore my catheter, which was painful when I moved.  My first day home I got up early and walked around the block, and each day after I added more steps.  It was my way to leaning into my brokenness.  MaryBeth came home after her segmental mastectomy and the pain limited what she could wear, but I remember the smile on her face as she slowly wore the loose blouses she loved, she was leaning into her brokenness and getting back to being herself. 

Today, lean into your brokenness and head home.  

Special Friends

Yesterday afternoon I received an email from a good friend thanking me for my words on how life purpose helps us lean into our brokenness, quieting our negative mind chatter allowing our hearts to breathe and thrive.  His words, actions, and friendship have always been authentically kind.  After reading his email several times, I realized it is through these special friendships we are nourished by their encouraging life energy, which is so very necessary in our efforts to live life to its fullest each day and thrive.  Just as the ocean calls us to wade in and dive into the deep, these special friendships touch us in ways that support and sustain our efforts to enter life each day more fully and thrive.  Today, reach out and touch one of your special friends.   

Cancer and Life Purpose

There have been moments in my cancer journey I have wandered off and lost the light of my life purpose, which gives my life its passion and meaning.  It is during these times I feel broken as a cancer survivor and run from my brokenness, but living a life with meaning helps push away my anxiety about the unknown, and quiets my negative mind chatter allowing my heart to breathe.  When I take time each day to remember who I am, the love I give and receive, and why my life has meaning today, I am able to open my heart and breathe in life.  Take steps today to inspire your heart through living a life with purpose and meaning.