Recharging

She was surprised, “You’ve walked 13,000 steps, want a ride back to MD Anderson?”   My afternoon had been a race around our campus, and ended with a final meeting at another hospital.  I smiled, “Nah, I need the walk, it’s the way I recharge”.  The rain, the master artist, had left a path of fresh vibrant colors, and several times, I stopped to enjoy rain licked flower petals.  Most of us spend our days working hard to connect with others and ourselves.  Author John Maxwell reminds us that connection begins with a commitment, and commitments take energy.  I’ve learned, I am only effective when I plug my energy leaks and keep my batteries charged.  Are you leaking energy or in need of a recharge?

Sadness

Sadness has a footprint we all know too well.  He was crying in the hallway, as he leaned against a wall with one arm wrapped around his head.  I walked up, gently waited and walked him into the chapel as he whispered, “We’ll be okay”.   Sadness, triggered by events of great impact, is our longest lasting emotion and strengthens as we ruminate and look for ways to cope.  Life with or without a cancer journey will have sadness.  My beliefs, values, and life experiences have blessed me with an emotional resilience that gives me the ability to be present with my feelings, but ensures I don’t stay stuck by reminding me I’m a “thriver” not just a survivor.  Do you thrive or just survive?      

Body Echo

I first tried out for football with a friend; we were really too small for even the junior varsity team.  However, coach didn’t send us home, and for years he watched over us, and let us grow into the football players we would become.  This weekend I had a body echo as I heard him say, “Baun, go in and show them how it’s done”.  I would never be an offensive guard, but coach knew I always gave 120%.  After an almost perfect trap block I ran back to the sidelines, where he hit the top of my helmet, “Good job”.  I felt his hand again this weekend as I was thinking about what makes me special - I TRY.   What makes you special?

Peak Life Moments

We all have experienced peak life moments that can cause a cascade of emotions. These life changing intense aha experiences can’t be ordered or planned, but involve instant insight that is deeply meaningful. Every several years he’d stay a few days in the hospital, but this time it was different, he was dying, and he was angry. He’d been estranged from his son for years, and as his son waited outside with tears and a remorseful heart, as he told us, “I have no son”. His son waited until he died to finally stand by his bed and tell him how much he loved him, and how far away that angry little boy was today. My hospice work gave me several peak life moments, and this was one. Angry moments held too long holdout love, and “life without love, is no life at all”.

Life Sea of Love

Some nights I sleep in the past feeling the joy of shared moments softly brush upon my soul.  These lost moments bubble up in dream silence wrapped in the smells, sounds, and a joy never to be lost.  In these moments, a timeless reality reconciles the differences between quantum mechanics and relativity, and I surrounded by the essence of love, and the energy of life.  As these dreams begin to fade, blood tears well up in my heart as the flow of time again begins and I try hard to hold onto lost moments.  I slowly wake with a smile, realizing I sail on a life sea of love never to be lost.    

Still Moments

Riding home on my bike after working out last night, I could feel the full moon through the trees.  I finally stopped and watched as clouds sweep across her glow like gentle waves drawing me deep within a still moment.  Lately, I’ve been taking more time in my day for still moments, moments where I experience life more deeply between each breath.  Time is not lost in still moments, but gained by the realization that I am and will always be.  My practice of still moments each day has become an integral step in my daily journey of moving ever closer to the me that allows me to “be”.  Do you practice still moments?

Brain Fog

We beat the approaching storm out of Los Angeles, but landed in Houston in a very dense fog.  Landing at night, I love to watch the city lights magically appear, but instead the runway lights appeared just as the plane wheels hit the ground.  Brain fog can be one of the many side effects of chemotherapy or hormone therapy.  Some refer to brain fog as “clouding of consciousness” or a disturbance in the ability to be aware of oneself and the environment. My brain fog experiences have helped develop my mindfulness, or deeper awareness of my inner and outer worlds.  Presence or the stability of my mindfulness has made me more aware of the space through which ripples of doing come and go.